Thankful

For the past several years, as we gathered in my grandparent's eat-in-kitchen, we would hold hands and say a prayer. My grandfather would always give it, and he would ask for blessings over the food that we were about to eat, and he would give thanks. In the long, beautiful list of everything that he would express gratitude for, he would give thanks that we all were there, surrounding the room for another year. Every year, the prayer had that. At Thanksgiving, Christmas, any event that we all gathered at and a great deal of food was present. And every year it hurt more and more, because we all knew that this could be the last prayer.

This year, my older brother said the prayer. He also carved the turkey, which had also always been my grandfather's job. The day had a weight on it. Everything that I wanted to be easy, felt hard. Every hug meant more. Every voice was a little bit quieter. But, it was a good day.

I was able to go home for a couple of days before Thanksgiving, which I’m very grateful about. My mom and I got to have our favorite salads, and we sat in front of a roaring fire in the fireplace and looked at Christmas magazines together. I celebrated a best friend and the baby boy(!) that she will be having in the spring.

I have so many things to be thankful for. But right in this moment, I am grateful for my husband. He loves me in my lowest lows and my highest highs. Happy Thanksgiving, to you and yours from me and mine.

Practically Screaming

I've said it countless times: I love autumn. BUT  EXCUSE ME BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO COMPLETELY LOSE MY SHIT BECAUSE IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS AND I CAN'T STOP PLANNING CHRISTMAS CRAFTS AND ORNAMENTS THAT I'M GOING TO MAKE AND CHRISTMAS TREE THEMES AND MY MIND IS A NON-STOP SLIDESHOW OF CHRISTMAS TREE FARM PHOTOS, ANTIQUE CHRISTMAS CARDS, IMAGES OF GARLAND STRUNG UP JUST SO, AND I AM JUST LOSING MY MIND OVER HERE BECAUSE I DOVE IN TO CHRISTMAS WHEN I SHOULD HAVE WAITED JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER. BUT EVERY SINGLE YEAR, I START EARLIER AND EARLIER, AND I THINK I'M JUST ABOUT TO GET STARTED BECAUSE OF HEART PALPITATIONS.

I MADE A LIST YESTERDAY OF CHRISTMASSY CREATIONS THAT I'M GOING TO MAKE, AND THEN JUST NOW I WENT TO PINTEREST, AND BECAUSE OF ALL THE INTERNET COOKIES, OR MAYBE CHANCE, OR PINTEREST'S ALGORITHM, OR BECAUSE OF SOME GODLY FORCE, EVERYTHING ON MY FEED WAS CHRISTMAS AND THAT IS WHAT SPARKED THIS VERY EMOTIONAL POST.

I spent the last several days nose deep in Anthropologie's Christmas preview, and it has wrecked me. "Where are you, Christmas? Why can't I find you?" Oh, because it's still over two months away? That makes sense.

I just realized that I didn't even mention Christmas baking, and I haven't even started researching recipes, so now I want to scream about that. BUT I WON'T.

Β 

Someone help.

Home, Home

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I went to Florence last weekend for a visit that lifted me up and left me feeling a million times better. It's always hard to go home, because I know that I won't want to leave when my visit is over - especially during the holidays. I've always been a homebody, meaning that so much of my years were spent right at home. My mom and I would have "spa nights" together while all of my friends were at the movies or out getting ice cream. She and I would order our favorite salads, put on face masks, and curl up on the couch with movies that are now woven into every fiber of my being. This is why I can quote Notting Hill, You've Got Mail, Chocolat, Sabrina, When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, One Fine Day, Two Weeks Notice, Pretty Woman, French Kiss, and many other 80's and 90's chick flicks backwards and forwards. We would bake together, and she and I would decorate for holidays as a team. At the very beginning of October, she would let me bring out the Halloween decorations, and I'd string faux spiderwebs down the banister. I'd bring out her vintage Santa collection, and arrange them just so for Christmas. We never missed decorating the Christmas tree together as a family. But, time passed, college happened, I moved away, my brother moved out, he traveled the world, and things slipped through the cracks. Now, she gets a tree whenever she has a chance, and we hope we are able to come help her decorate it. These are the bitter things about being home. I remember all of the things that I miss out on, and I know that I'm never around for things to be like they were.

But, the sweet things about being home are the new memories that we make. My dad moved into a new, beautiful house that is perfect for them. My mom and I make lists of everything we want to accomplish, and are doing a pretty good job so far of checking things off of it. My brother bought a house that I know is going to be a perfect home base for all of his travels to come to an end.

I've found that I'm making new, sweet memories every time I drive through the city of Florence and remember this parking lot where all of my friends piled in the back of Hope's SUV. I pass the spot where I had my first kiss, and the park where I would take Jon to throw rocks in the river. I take the back roads that I would drive in high school, just for fun. I pass the church that used to be the movie theater where I met my first boyfriend. I pass the coffee shop that I've been going to since before it was Rivertown, near the park where I once saw a stranger wait with a red rose for someone who never showed up. I pass the cemetery where I attended a policeman's funeral. I pass the park where I rode a tandem bicycle with my friend Samantha. I pass County Rd. 42, where I said something funny, which resulted in Hope making me a cd of songs, with my quote written in Sharpie as the album art. I pass the store where my mom used to buy soy milk for Jon, because all other milk made him sick. I pass the fairgrounds where I first saw my Wybie - my pup that my dad and stepmother have made their pup *grumble grumble*. I pass the clothing shop where my mom and I would get those little mini cheesecake bites during the Christmas parade. I remember feeling so fancy next to her, with her lipstick, and her wool coat, and her perfume floating along with her. I pass the ballpark where we would watch Andy play little league baseball. I pass the gas station where my dad met me after I walked up on my mom's house after someone had just broken in. I was panicking and I couldn't find my mom, but my dad rushed over to save the day. Oh, and my mom was at ballroom dance lessons the whole time *grumble grumble*. I pass Stagg's, where my dad and I would get hamburgers when I worked in the chemical plant with him that summer. I pass the place where he and I bought my steel-toed boots, and I remember thinking that I felt so badass, and that the old men in the shop couldn't handle my badassery. I pass the Indian Mound, that I visited once, and the restaurant that used to be Tourway, that I went to countless times. I pass Trowbridges, the ice-cream shop that I would walk to with my grandmother when I was very small, and then later as an adult with all of my friends. I still remember the pansies that were planted all around her apartment complex, and pansies always make me think of her. I have memories tied into every inch of my lovely hometown, and when I go home, they flood my heart and send me swimming.

Seeing things through a new, matured lens makes me want to hug my younger self, even if I'm sometimes embarrassed for her. I want to hug all of these memories close and never let them go.